STD's from Neverland
How my brother got a cat

Ever since we were children my brother and I hated cats. None of the cats in our neighborhood were nice and one in particular constantly pooped in our sandbox. One day I went to judo and on my way in I encountered some people who were trying to get into their car and were kicking at something. I stopped immediately when I realized it was a kitten that they were brutishly trying to get out from under their car! I glared at them and sat down near their car and within seconds of me talking sweetly and patting my lap I had accomplished what their aggression was never going to. This cat liked me very much and I liked it. 

I tried to go to judo class but when left alone in the car with my friends mom the cat went a little nuts so she brought the cat inside where it promptly found MY purse among 12 bags and sat right in it. I rushed out to snuggle it and did not get back on the mat that evening. My friends mom said they couldn’t take the cat because their cat was territorial but there was no way I was leaving it! (and also no way my parents were gonna let me keep it) So at the age of 18 I snuck an animal into my parents house for the first time. 

When I got home I quickly ran up the steps leaving the door open clutching a plastic bin a jug of kitty litter and with a kitten hanging out inside my hoodie. My parents thought it was a little weird but the didn’t quite see what I had and well, they think I’m a little weird so it kind of fit. That night I let the presumed boy nicknamed Kitty Sensei sleep on my chest as it was very distressed every time I put it down. By the morning I had discovered what I never had in all my years of not liking cats! I’m allergic!! The next day to Kitty Sensei’s great distress I had to be in and out of my room to get some cat-free air. 

Kitty Sensei was (and still is) a bit of a screamer when displeased. Eventually not quite sure what she was hearing my mom came upstairs and I had to be honest. With tears in my eyes I begged my mom not to tell my dad, as I feared he would make me get rid of sweet little Kitty Sensei. Over the next three days or so my dad found out about Kitty Sensei and was more mad that we thought he would abandon it than he was that there was a cat. My brother found out about my escapades and came over to my house with his girlfriend to check it out. He went up to my room for ten minutes and when he came down he informed me he would like to take Kitty Sensei. I was ecstatic! Our dog would never get along with a cat there was no way I could keep her, but I didn’t want her gone. 

My brother took the kitten home with him and I will never get over the simple text I got from him as soon as he got home. “Has vagina, def. a girl.” I cracked up laughing for a solid hour. That is how my brother got a female cat that he named JaIna. She is now his daughter and daddy is seldom late to give her dinner. Who knew you would go from a family who hates cats to a family he gives a cat christmas presents in one night? 

I’m the worst daughter

When my brother and I were way too fucking old to be this big of asshole idiots we had a water gun fight in our parents finished basement. The walls were wet, the carpet was wet, thankfully nothing was ruined. 

Imaginary friends

When I was a little kid I had imaginary friends like most kids do. My imaginary friends were a little bit different though. I had a pretty good grasp on real and imaginary so when asked things like, “where do your imaginary friends live?” I answered with things like, “In my head”. The only problem was that I sometimes assumed some things that turned out to be real were fictional. So for some reason I got it into my head that Cleveland was an imaginary place. I claimed my imaginary friends first lived in Cleveland before they lived in my head because I thought that was also an imaginary place. My father is a pediatrician…he tells people this story all the time. 

I’m just going to start telling tumblr silly stories about my life.

notoffended:

davidstrider:

davidstrider:

which american president was least guilty

lincoln

image

he was in a cent

I told this joke at Mouth Rushmore and the park ranger hit me

Are you sure he didn’t hit you because you called Mount Rushmore Mouth Rushmore?

A story from my youth

One time my brother and I decided in the middle of the afternoon that we didn’t like our own beds anymore and we wanted to switch beds. Mine was a loft bed with a bunch of storage and his was a bed that was also a book shelf and a dresser. Clearly, we felt it imperative that we handle this immediately. My mom came up stairs and asked what we were doing as we were both unloading our storage beds of all of our stuff and placing it in my parents bedroom during the transition. We had the take the beds apart to get them into each others rooms. Long story short very late that night and to my parents extreme chagrin we each had new beds! 

Never look at tumblr in regards to a show you haven’t finished/caught up with.
I love him so much more than I ever planned to.

Anxiety is the worst. I’m so fucking sick of it pounding down on my life. Other people just move on from things shit.

2 plays
Romantic conundrums of a closet introvert.

It is sometimes difficult for someone who thinks too much and is used to being fundamentally alone to be in a serious relationship. The longest relationship I ever had before this was not monogamous and with someone who was just a giant bad decision. I like to just make out with people and not worry about anything and have very few friends be just friends without the benefits. Unlike most I generally can do no strings attached. I will happily make out with a person and 20 minutes later gossip about the person they like with them and poke fun at them for blushing. Making out is just enjoyable, for that matter so is groping and unattached sexual activities. 

The night I met my boyfriend I acted the same way as I would with just a hook up for the most part. However thirty minutes before we kissed, when he was still in the friend zone head space of just meeting his best friends girlfriends best friend, I already knew I wasn’t just going to hook up with him. I guess that’s why hook ups were always fine with me. I can truly gage whether or not I’m comparable with someone and I can usually but a pretty accurate time stamp on what we could have if we pursued it. A lot of people would say that’s a self fulfilling prophecy but I disagree. I’ve never written something off because of a personal prediction, I just know myself.

I don’t think I will ever not miss hooking up just a little bit. Knowing a new persons body, their kisses, the spots that make them go crazy. Having a little bit of conversation with them about who they are. Catching quickie make outs with guys when our other friends are in the other room because they don’t know we do that. New people are fun and exciting and that doesn’t change. I still like to get to know them even if I can’t make out with them. I kind of treat my sexuality as a medium for communication a lot of times. You learn so much about a person that way, it even loosens their lips for later and gets them to be honest with you out loud about who they really are. The biggest perv I knew in high school was actually pretty deep. 

So from time to time I get kind of nervous with my boyfriend. Even when I met him I didn’t know how long it would last. For once it all depended on what happened because as a person he was truly compatible. It’s hard to plan for the future in my head because I don’t know if I should or not. Are we a month off from one of us having the biggest fuck up of our lives and ruining it with a possible soulmate? Or should I settle into the fact that his  are the lips of the rest of my life. I don’t miss being single really when I’m honest about it. I love having my partner, my best friend, the guy my mother would love to call son. The true question here is; is this what first love feels like, or is this what last love feels like? 

How can anyone ever break up with someone if they really felt this way? I don’t think I could. It’s only been two years and sometimes it’s a struggle, we are both very emotional people and not nice when we are hungry, but I would rather have my worst days with him then have no more days with him. Does that make this special or is this something that everyone feels every single time? I just don’t believe in a life without him anymore. It’s so different that a simple fear of losing someone or fear of change. It’s as if, were I to ever “move on”, I would have to leave a whole part of myself behind in the process. So far the people who pass through  my life have only added parts of me, but it feels like he isn’t supposed to leave. 

I over think things a lot. I wonder how I could possibly have met the one at only twenty-one. I think that I must be crazy and that this can’t be all I make it out to be. After that though, I see him walking up to my door and I know it’s not something I’ve made up in my head. I know that he’s the most precious thing in my life. I look at other people all of the sudden and wonder if the most “perfect” relationships I know really even have this. I wonder if this is rare. I wonder if people settle. I’m scared he feels like he’s settling. I simply have this not so sneaking suspicion that forever might just happen. Which starts whole new trains of wondering.

robotsandfrippary:

habitualrogue:

That can’t be a good sign

welcome to toon town.

As we just ignore the worlds most epic pun over here!

robotsandfrippary:

habitualrogue:

That can’t be a good sign

welcome to toon town.

As we just ignore the worlds most epic pun over here!

Went off birth control and I’m losing my damn mind. Hormones man.